Today is a very long day at the switchboard for me. I am just feeling terrible today and I sit around and wonder who can I call to vent to,but noone wants to here about my problems. I have a big decision to make and really want to be strong and I am not ready so I keep hiding behind all these different feelings. I have had this headache for 4 days now and I imagine it is from thinking so hard.... I think I am going to start writing in my journal again that always made me feel better when I had noone to talk to. Last night I decided to go out with Chris and my brother to the club and as usual Chris got drunk and I cant stand to be around him when he is like that, he broke up with me last week and then he said he didnt relize what he was doing....he said a bunch of things to me that night and I know that even though he was drunk I know those were his true feelings I think we have grown apart and I just think we are both to scared to face reality that we are not meant to be together, who should be the one to decide? noone knows and we just keep hanging in there for Linzie, but we do not agree on anything and I f I hear that word discredit again today I am going to blow up... well we have been together on again off again for 10 years and now I dont even care if I am lonely eventually I will make some friends I just want to be by myself so I can get on the computer without somone thinking I am talking to guys... I want to lay on my couch all day and watch lifetime if I want to...the key word here guys is I have been with a man all of my life practically and I think it is time for me to go out and experience life with out being with someone constantly every day.... even though there are only 3 of you that really look at this blog I would appreciate some feedback on this I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place and I know that if me and chris split up I will have to start all over again and try to get my own place and I will have to struggle to maintain my sanity.. But I also believe that if my plan goes right I will start going to church hopefully with my cuz and maybe I can make wonderful friends like she has I long for companionship, not a relationship a friendship and please tell everyone you know to pray that I am making the right decision in life for me and my daughter... I think by the end of this weekend I am going to start looking for an apartment and then tax time is right around the corner so I should be ok I might have to wait till January to move out so I tell myself that I think I should wait till I have money so I can move right away cause I know he is going to try and get a girlfriend as quick as possible to make me uncomfortable... Tell me what to do........I guess I am the only one to make that decision, I am finally confident enough to make the decision on my own but how is he going to handle it ... I am scared, not of him but can I actually do this on my own. Maybe I should move to NY where my mom and sister are? maybe I shouldn't but I thik this weekend is going to be it so pray for me guys....